From the heart

Now that  I run every night, I go to bed exhausted but happy, well relatively happy. While it still feels like I have a huge hole in my heart, it gets better, but wait, there's more I feel extremely helpless at times and know that while this run is a drastic attempt to do something, and it may be over the top, i can't help but feel that I have to do it, if not for anything but myself. And again, I know some people think i am craving attention, the truth is i'm not, id rather the majority of people who actually know me, know nothing about it, and in weeks to come when i post videos (we are making a documentary!) you'll see what i mean.

Anyway, i had this weighing on my thoughts, and i'd like to share it candidly with all of you.

I feel completely disappointed in my poor sense of judgment and total lack of care when handling another person's feelings, and i am not going to blame anyone but myself. If only everything could be solved with the snap of your fingers, and then *boom* everything just goes back to when you were just about to make that mistake, tell that lie or walk into oncoming traffic. The truth is, if i could illustrate what running for a wish is about, it would be making this:

into this.

You see after what i've been through, a broken heart doesn't seem that bad at least you can pick up the pieces and put it back again. A hole well if you've lost that piece, you'd need help to fix it really. 

What so bad about a hole in the heart (in a literary sense of course) It's the emptiness and the helpless sense of despair and that feeling that there is a void that CANNOT  be filled that is most difficult to come to terms with. 

Which brings us back to the run, and he purpose of this site. As much as i am lumping everything together, by also running for charity, i am really a selfish bastard who is running for some form of redemption and forgiveness, to an extent also to try to reestablish the fact that, I am still that guy who will love this girl as deeply a I did. And this is it. If i don't do something now, something big, and something meaningful for her, for me, for love, then damn me to my own living hell, cause living with such emptiness and despair requires tenacity that i certain do not have, or at least lost along the way. To all the people reading this site, you have no idea how much your support means to me, and I know somewhere out there, a few of you may feel the same (God forbid) or at least understand how absolutely awful i feel. And to everyone who might admire what I am doing, please remember, I'm doing this for a selfish reason, so when i say i'm humbled by your support, i just want to tell you, i truly am. Sincerely, honestly and from the bottom of my heart that has a huge hole in it. Again, thank you.